Rambles....

With 2010 winding down I can't help but wonder what 2011 will bring. We are starting the year off with Dallas having surgery on the 4th. I know that everything will work out for the best. I know that she will be fine and everything will go on without a hitch, but I can't help but worry.

I am hoping that 2011 will bring about the end of this little tug of war over my daughter. She is starting to ask about her brothers again. I don't know what to tell her anymore. I wish that her father hadn't decided to come back into her life again. He either should have been there from the beginning, or not at all.

It drives me nuts because it has never really been about her. Others have said that it is me who creates all of the drama, but let me tell you it isn't me who is trying to get into his pants. Sorry, been there done that, DON'T want to go there again. What he has said about me and my daughter and done to us both is worse than what ANYONE else has ever done. The fact that she is almost 7 and there are family members on his side that still don't know about her is ridiculous. That can not be blamed on me. The fact that there are family members who have my number but don't try to call her is uncalled for. Don't run your mouth saying that I won't let her see you when you can't even pick up the phone. It's simple. Just ask for Dallas. Hang up when you are done! Seriously if you want to be a part of her life, then try. If you don't stop saying that I am preventing you from doing so when I have texted you pictures of her.

I don't want these people 2 years from now to decide to be a part of her life again. Either you are a part of her life or not at all. I WILL NOT put Dallas threw anymore pain and suffering because you only want to see her when it's convenient for you. And if you can call Jeff for a car part, then you can pick up the phone to talk to your daughter. It's that easy, at least it should be.

So one of my BIGGEST wishes for Dallas is for her to no longer have to go through all of this crap. She has a family who loves her and WANTS her. Those who don't are missing out. Parents are able to make things work for their children all the time, I don't know why this time is any different. And when I say make things work, I mean visitation and all of that stuff.

enough for now....

Charter College

http://www.chartercollege.edu/content/career_programs/charter_college_programs_aas_medical_assistant.html

Beginning January 17th I will be attending Charter College and making a huge change in my field of study. I am going into the Medical field!! While I love Psychology here in the tri-cities there are very few jobs available for the amount of people who are obtaining this degree. While I have always had a fascination with the medical field I never believed that I could do it, so I never tried. Well, I am going to try. You can have more than 1 passion, so you need to follow your heart and do what you want no matter what the cost. : D So I am taking a stand for myself, and I am putting myself first. (well my kiddos are first, but I am not letting anyone else influence my decisions) I am super excited. I know that I can do this!!

2010 was a fairly messed up year for me. I found out a lot about someone who I never thought would ever hurt me like they did this year. After almost 7 years together it just goes to show that you never REALLY know someone. I may have forgiven, but I will NEVER forget and if it happens again I am gone.

In watching an episode of Super Nanny I have decided that Nanny Jo needs to make a stop here. She could help not only with the kiddos, but with the rest of my relationships. Someone needs to give Jeff a dose of reality. He is no longer a child, but a man who is now a father with two children of his own. This means that you need to give some things  up. You can't have your cake and eat it too. He is content to have me be here and cook his dinner and wash his clothes and take constant care of the kids. I know he hasn't had a great father figure growing up, but watching other fathers should give him a sense of what he needs to be doing. Nanny Jo would be awesome in telling him to get OUT OF THE SHOP, and come partake in parenting. I need help too ya know. You can't expect me to do it all and not need help..... no matter how hard I try I am not Super Women.

Enough negative, maybe some positive later :)

fighting fair??

My nephew got into trouble the other day. My sister had to talk to the principal over it and everything. Now what was this horrible thing that my nephew did... he got into trouble for defending himself. Another little boy punched my nephew in the face and instead of hitting him back, my nephew pushed the other kid away. I am not one for violence. I don't think that it is ok to fight, but do I think that it's ok to defend yourself?? Yes, yes I do.

I don't know all of the details, but when my nephew told me what happened I was very upset. My sister came and told me while I was at work, and my opinion was the same as everyone else that was working the other night. My nephew should not have gotten into trouble for pushing away another boy who hit him. This other boy was not hurt, so I don't see how both of these boys can be punished in the same way. I understand that schools have a strict policy on violence, and I agree with this policy. Violence is never the answer, but what would've happened if my nephew hadn't pushed this child away. Would he have hit my nephew again?

I believe that in some cases the schools shouldn't be so strict with the kids involved in these altercations. Yes both kids laid their hands on each other, but pushing and punching are two different things. What do you think?

Revelations.....

My life has been a little hectic as of late. I turned 30 in September, funny, I don't feel 30. I still feel like I am 21. I am still trying to figure out life and taking things one day at a time. I know that I am older because I am working on not letting the small stuff get to me. When I was younger I tried to please everyone, and it would make me cry when people didn't like me. I am not gonna lie, it STILL bothers me when others don't like me, but now I don't go out of my way to get them to like me. This is me. If you don't like me than you can **** off.

I am working on not having a big mouth, but on occasion I do let things slip. All I can do is apologize for it and move on. I still obsess over things and over analyze things from time to time, but who doesn't. Besides I am a psych major and a girl, if I didn't over analyze things something would be wrong with me :)

Lately I have had my trust broken and my world completely rocked. What happened shocked me to the core. I am working on forgiving, but I know that I can never forget. It's not something that I want to get into on here. It's just crazy that sometimes no matter how much someone says that they are not like the last person who hurt you, they really are. Maybe that's why they were friends in the first place. Hmm who know.

I have found that I tend to gravitate towards those who have similar traits. Sometimes I don't realize it right away. Sometimes it can take a few months, but by then you find yourself in a situation where you will constantly be reminded of them. While others may take years to show their true colors.... Either way, it still sucks. What can you do but try to break the cycle and move on.

Recently I was looking at my life and the people who have come in and out of it. There are former friends who I miss dearly whom I thought would be around for ever, but sadly are not. Some of these people I miss probably more than they know. We just sort of drifted apart, and now it feels like they are strangers. It feels like I never even knew them, and that is sad. Some of these people I could stay up and talk to for hours on the phone. I knew what they were gonna say before they said it. If I needed help they would drop everything to help me, and I would do the same. Its funny how you can be so close to someone, and yet still loose them. Some of those people I miss and I miss all the fun times I had with them.

Some of the people who have come into my life I never would've thought that I would call them my friend. Fighting over boys, and just really hating each other..... who would've thought that I would come to treasure our friendship. If someone had told me that I would be friends with some of these people back when I was in high school I would have laughed in their face and told them that they were high. Now I don't know what I would do with out these people. They are not just my friends, they are like family and I love them all.

My kids mean the world to me. I never want them to go through some of the hard things that I went through growing up. I never wanted my daughter to not know her father like I did. I wanted her to have a relationship with her father. I know that it will never happen. I have a lot of resentment in the whole situation. Things have been said on both ends and it's probably never going to be reparable, and I take responsibility for my part. I will not take all of the blame though, there were some very big wrongs done on his end too. Only he and I really know the truth about what happens. It's easier to point the blame and appear to be innocent, but honestly the only innocent one is my daughter. And because all of us adults acted like children she now will miss out. Even the other family members who said that they still wanted to be a part of her life have not called. Honestly I did try to keep her in contact with some of her family. I never even talked to them, only letting my daughter talk to them. After a few months of me being the one to make an effort... I stopped trying. They have my number, if she was important they would make an effort too. Talking to my former coworkers isn't making an effort. Sorry, but it isn't. And besides my daughter is 6 1/2, and it is sort of sad to find out that there are still family members of hers that have no idea about her. I can only assume that she isn't as important to her father as he tries to imply that she is. And that is really sad.

I know that I am not perfect. I don't try to be or claim to be. I am imperfect and flawed, but that's what makes me ME! I will never be a size 2, I will probably never win a million dollars, I can't change the past, but who cares. All I can do is be me. I don't need to please everyone and I don't need to apologize for being me. All I can do is be the best me that I can be. If you don't like it then who cares...

totally random Tuesday

1) reunion

so this mini reunion of sorts is winding down and what i have learned is that i really need to come out and visit more often. it is so weird to me to have this family that i really don't know, and that bothers me. i am gonna try to start coming out here more frequently than every 3 years!

2) ms kitty..... or is it oreo?

we rescued a kitten over a month ago from my work with a little help from my sister (thanks Kisha!) and Dallas loves it! she has taken this cat everywhere, even to Walmart :) the only problem is that she keeps changing the poor cats name. i think that it is finally oreo now, but i guess that we will see if it stays that way

3) nkotb

yes, thats right. new kids on the block! what can i say, i LOVE them. i am a BH (blockhead for those who don't know) but don't get me wrong. i am not a dork or a loser for loving the 40 something year old men. they helped me through some hard times as a teenager, and they are just as awesome today. so if you don't like it, i don't care

4) Rizzoli & Isles

now why did i talk about nkotb? because donnie freakin whalberg was on rizzoli & isles last night!!!!!!!!!!! that man is freaking hot, dare i say hotter than his brother mr. marky mark? that would be a yes!!

5) 2 birthdays in 1 night

thanks to my amazing family out here in south carolina for an amazing bday party for both of the kids. thank you for helping me celebrate my two amazing kiddos! i wish that i could be here for all of their birthdays so that you all could be there to help me celebrate. you never know, maybe that could happen if i can convince jeff to move out here :)

aagghh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So it drives me NUTS when you are waiting on someone all the time, but they can't wait for you for all  of 5 minutes. Do you know anyone like that? Someone who is always right even when they are wrong? It is especially difficult when the person is family. I can't stand it. Hopefully I will have the strength to deal with it! :)

What a day!

Today was definitely a weird day. Today started off with me getting a game ready for a baby shower. I was melting chocolate for the diaper game when the diaper caught on fire. If that wasn't crazy enough I got screamed at by some crazy lady for saying "excuse me" because she was blocking the whole isle. This lady was NUTS!! She went off on me for a good 5 minutes before I SAID sorry. Then she chewed me a new one for apologizing. She was cursing, and arguing with all of the customers in the store, and do you know what the employees did? NOTHING. Yes I said nothing. I got called something that rhymes with witch by this crazy lady for politely asking her to make room so that I could go down the isle, and another lady gets called something that rhymes with punt and they didn't do a single thing. I mean come on!!

I just don't understand people like that. Seriously what is the deal? It's like some of the guests that I wait on. If you only have a half our break for lunch and you only have 20 minutes left don't order a well done steak at noon and expect to be in and out in that short amount of time.Don't yell at me because your food isn't ready. It isn't my fault, so please don't take it out on me especially when  McDonalds is right across the street.

Back to my day, it ended with my finding a dead mouse in Dallas' closet and my dryer kicking the bucket..... Could it get any worse? There was another incident that happened, but I won't put that her, those who matter know what happened. I will leave it at that. 

Anyway enough of this random chatter. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully it wont be so nuts.

For all the servers out there.....

Here is what I don't understand, if you are in a bad mood, why would you come into an establishment and take it out on every single person around you? Seriously! I don't get this. If you are having a bad day stay at home. Don't come in and ruin my day and make me as miserable as you. I have been a server off and on for over ten years, and this has always driven me nuts. I don't understand why there are people out there who act like I am their very own personal pinata. And just like one of those blow up clowns I get knocked down and come right back just taking it over and over again. Sometimes I wonder if these people where ever taught manners when they were growing up. Just because I am taking your order, it doesn't mean that I am beneath you. I am the person handling your food and making your drinks, you think that you would be appreciative that you don't have to do it yourself.

Very recently I witnessed a woman say some horrible things to her server. She repeated them to anyone that would listen and then blamed it on the fact that she was stressed and didn't get much sleep. Okay, so you didn't get much sleep, big deal. Neither did I, but you don't see me being a royal witch to you. Yes we get tips, but honestly not that great, and not enough to put up with rude people. When this happens I sort of feel like a mother who isn't appreciated for all the things that I do. So if you are a mom, the next time that you are eating out somewhere try to remember how it feels when you don't feel appreciated and be nice to your server. They are doing the best that they can, and if you still want to be rude.... take your business somewhere else. I don't need your $2 tip you were gonna leave me anyway.

Hunter is 5 months old!

Hunter actually turned 5 months on the 5th so this is 3 days late, but since I hadn't been on in over a month I figure that it is still ok.

So what is Hunter up to you ask? Well, he is now eating stage 1 baby food occasionally, well only when breast milk doesn't satisfy him. Lately if I hold him when I eat he attempts to grab my plate or bowl. He usually can't really do it, he more or less just wacks it, but you get my drift.

Here is Hunter with Dallas. He was eating squash. Dallas was so excited and kept trying to help, but you know how that goes.  :)










He is also rolling.... at least onto his side. Since he was 3 1/2 weeks early he is a little bit behind where he should be. He likes to stand up when you help him, and he would rather sit and be able to look around at everything rather than just lay there. His big sister is always trying to show him how to do things, however she doesn't fully understand that he can't do things by himself just yet.

We got new pictures done the other day and once they come back I will put a few of them on here so you can see how big he is getting. He is already over 2 ft tall!! He is going to be tall like his daddy!

WOW!!

It has been over a month since the last time that I wrote on here!! Pretty weird! It sure has been super busy with Christmas and New Years.

So what's new with me, well Jeff went to the mountains on the annual Mudders Christmas tree run and got our tree. This one was the best yet.

Here is Jeff and Dallas when we put the tree in the house. Dallas was so super excited! She is 5 1/2 and is now old enough to fully understand what Christmas is. I don't know if she fully grasps the whole concept of Christmas, but she is learning. Dallas and I put all of the ornaments on the tree after Jeff did the lights. It was like the Griswalds. Jeff had SO many lights on the tree. He had about three sets of all white lights, and the whole time he kept quoting the movie and saying "Oh Clark. It's beautiful!" I was laughing so hard. It was a lot of fun.

 Here is a picture of the tree after it was decorated.
I think it looks pretty good!

We had Christmas Eve with Jeff's Dad's side of the family. It was a good time. We had Christmas morning with Jeff's mom and then we did Christmas with my family and had dinner with Jeff's mom. Here are some pictures :)

Here is Jeff opening the hammer that Dallas got him. She was so excited!

Here is Hunter before we had to change him. Isn't he adorable?

Here is Jeff with Hunter....

.....and with Dallas......

......and me with Dallas and Hunter. 

The month of December was very busy! I am hoping that I will be able to write on this more. I think that it is a great way to keep in touch with friends and family. I know that I learn a lot from my cousin's blog. Check out her blog http://www.carissagraham.com/ 

How was your Christmas?